I asked a friend a few days ago whether he received any sales advertisements recently, or something similarly copy-esque, by email. He sent me this in response. Below is the copy to one of Russel Brunson’s post-order autoresponders for DotComSecrets, followed by a critical analysis and rewriting.

Before:

 

Employing an army of stylistically contrasting fonts and text sizes, a contextually irrelevant picture, awkward hyperlinks, and inconsistent line spacing, this copy is just unpleasant to look at.

I don’t see myself buying anything from someone whose apparent goal is to exacerbate my already impaired vision.

Further, if the book itself is “all you need,” as the picture explicitly suggests, then what reason do I have for watching the video? This is careless picture choice. And, what is the purpose of this link redundancy?

The writer’s negligence extends to content as well however. A well written copy has no need for four sets of parentheses, or hedges like “or maybe it’s just me…”

His appeal to the feeling of “bittersweet torture” that accompanies the anticipation of online orders is irrelevant to the purpose of the copy. If the goal is to convince the reader that supplementing the book with the video would be a valuable investment of time, then the appeal to emotion is superfluous.

Inside this presentation, I’ll reveal the 3 critical secrets to competing (and WINNING!) against every competitor in your industry.

Phrases like “competing against every competitor” cause readers to lose faith not only in your writing, but in other skills necessary to maintaining a respect-worthy disposition as well (i.e. attentiveness, meticulousness, abstraction).

In my revisions, I try to deal with these issues described above.

After:

Congratulations!

Your copy of DotComSecrets has just left our facilities and should arrive in the next few days.

But you can become an insider now with this exclusive free offer!

Any successful entrepreneur knows that time is our most precious resource, and even a few short days of waiting around could mean thousands lost – perhaps even tens of thousands considering the weight of the secrets you’re about to learn.

But you don’t have to wait!

Start transforming your life today. This free training video is designed to supplement your book, reveal three critical secrets to successful online business, and turn you into a wealth-creating genius.

Ask yourself this question now: how would you like to instantly outspend your competitors and ethically steal all potential customers in your market?

Don’t wait on your book. Watch my video and learn about these three secrets today, before time runs out:

1. The funnel that creates an unfair advantage by supplying you with unlimited free customers.
2. The ultimate “sales person” who never complains, takes a break or asks for a raise, and works for you 24/7.
3. The free miracle switch that can turn on a nearly unlimited traffic stream from your phone.

Warning: Limited offer!

This page will expire tomorrow and the video will be taken down, so take advantage of this free bonus immediately. Watch the video now.

Remember, you are just one funnel away from creating unimaginable wealth and freedom. This video is the perfect companion to DotComSecrets and together they bring proven, extraordinary success to people like you. Hurry before time is up!

Sincerely,