Section I to…
The Offensive Man’s Guide on
How to Bullshit Any Paper in One Night
And Get an A
Without Sacrificing Your Self-Respect
Scum do this.
You’ll end up goofing hard, and stealing a non-scum’s work, and non-scum’s lawyer will prod your con ass.
But if you’re already sold on bullshitting, here’s how you do it:
- Why You Bullshit.
- When You Should Bullshit.
- How to Bullshit a Paper.
- YouTube search.
- Wiki dig.
- Source collection.
- Fill outline.
- Revise. Revise. Revise.
Note: if you’re looking for a guide on how to get away with
plagiarism, stop reading. I can’t help ya.
Why You Bullshit
We all know the US educational system is wack. Here’s why:
- We plan our lives before knowing our purpose.
- We plan according to a list of paths, just 150 degrees long.
- We’re tested over rat’s rump. Standardized herding.
- Forced by curriculum to become masters of none.
- We slave over the approval of strangers.
- Spend $2800/month on a participation trophy made of paper.
- Forced by debt into a job we hate.
All this so we can pay interest on our expensive ass trophy. At least we can have our freedom back after retirement.
How many hours wasted applying formulas, or memorizing dates and names? Owl pellets. Regurgitated monotony.
To those who opt for the road most traveled, expect to wait until you’re at least 22 before your time becomes meaningful. And that’s if you got your trophy at a discount. For the rest, you’re sentenced to 40 years in cubicle isolation.
There’s a reason we’re so damn depressed. We’ve being trained to spend our time on shit that means nothing to us. Trained to become masters of none. To half-ass everything.
We’re stripped of our humanity. Our dream of accomplishing one great thing before we die becomes like tears in rain (Blade Runner reference. Thank you Roy Batty.)
So here we are, most of us wandering through life in purgatory. Mulling over this or that insignificant detail… bogged down by the standardized tests of society. Screw that.
I say protest. Bootstrap yourself out of purgatory
Screw the US university system. Screw Big Ed and all his patronizing admonitions. It’s not as scary outside the box as he so insistently purports.
Personally, instead of playing musical cubicles, I think I’ll satirize a few societal hiccups like Ed’s attempt at commodifing knowledge.
My invitation to you is to bullshit anything that doesn’t serve your purpose. Introspect. Find that one thing and be great at it. Someone will pay you, I promise.
If you later discover you chose the wrong thing, switch it up again. There is no risk. If your thing is niche enough, you can spend just two weeks online and gain a bachelor’s-level understanding of it. YouTube. Google. Amazon.
That’s what’s great about today. You don’t need school. As Will Hunting famously stated, you can spend $2/month on a library card or $2800/month on a formal education. If your purpose is well-defined, the same is achievable either way.
What the hell is formal education anyway? True education is chaotic. Offensive. Formality-challenging. System-disrupting. True education shatters paradigms. Shatters formalities. There is nothing really formal about it.
Big Ed’s status as “formal” is therefore a forced one. A veil. Forced for the sake of masquerading as a patrician when he’s really more of a scoundrel. No one in academia really thinks or acts formally. We are all plebeians in the face of knowledge.
We’re like headless chickens, each pedaling his or her own confidently assembled canon. Insane in our dogmatism. This is why a wise professor laughs as he pontificates from his pulpit. He knows that headless chickens know nothing of truth.
If formality could contain education, there’d be no need for tenure. No need for deadlines. For hand raising. Or for charitability in our argumentation.
We pay $2800/month so we don’t have to deal with the responsibility of making our own decisions. We pay the man so he’ll tell us what to do. We owe him interest because he spares us the pain of freedom.
How about determinative education? Or aided education? Chicken Coop perhaps? Screw formal education.
Protest Big Ed.
Bullshit everything other than what’s relevant to your dreams. If it is relevant, pour all your gusto into it. Invest your time and crush it. But if it’s not,